I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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