he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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