He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
