i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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