New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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