We won't sleep together?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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