I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
