THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Is Oprah even human
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
