everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
