In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
