i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize