I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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