Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
