I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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