somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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