ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
