I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize