So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We're too hungover to prance.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize