i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
