i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
