Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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