This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
