you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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