bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
