I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
