I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
