Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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