My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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