hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
