Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
