life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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