Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
