guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
