I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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