I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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