My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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