I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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