a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
