yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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