Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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