I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize