I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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