I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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