ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
