It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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