you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
