It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Blood and glitter go together right?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
