There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
