if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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