I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
