I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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