That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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