Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
