using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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