Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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