im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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