If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
