so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
