So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize