now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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