I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
