I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize