I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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