A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize