I should be sponsored by Trojan
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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