I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
