my phone needs a breathalizer
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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