i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
