peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize