I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
