Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
